#anyways. if for nothing else: mum valued her appearance and it had made her sad that her sickness withered her away

[simptasia]

people will say "cats will eat you after you die" as if thats a bad thing. i mean, feeding a hungry cat seems like a nice thing really

by the way, dogs will do this too. it is not an expression of heartlessness, it is merely animal hunger

anyways at least the body would serve a purpose rather than being sealed in a box in the ground

[lavender-montgomery]

Brahms: The Boy II (2020) - Thoughts [SPOILERS]

So I went to go see The Boy II within a few days of release. I mean, Monday is half price day AND I get someone in free with me due to disability, plus The Boy is one of my favourite movies, so how could I not? I’m writing this post a week after seeing it - not a good sign already. Also, I have a post in my drafts about something else I watched that I currently don’t have the heart to finish. So here I am writing about The Boy II.

I will start this by saying - what a disappointment. I absolutely adored the first movie. I loved the nanny, I loved the doll, I loved Brahms, I loved his parents. I loved how it looked like the doll was haunted by a dead child but turned out it wasn’t, it was unexpected and was different to the usual haunted doll we see so often. I respected that and that’s part of why I love the film so much. However, the sequel completely went against that and went against the whole point of the first movie. In the sequel, the doll IS haunted by Brahms. After the end of the movie, Brahms put the doll back together and eventually died. Doesn’t say when or how. Just that he died. The doll was haunted by him, it was centered around the house he was raised in and it was passed from family to family wreaking havoc. Why? The whole point was that he wasn’t haunted. That was the idea. Very disappointing that they went against that. I kinda understand, it woulda been a bit harder to incorporate the actual Brahms into it. But they coulda done so much with this and they just... didn’t.

I don’t want to talk badly about this movie, I really don’t. I’ve said how muh I loved the first, I’m considering customising my own Brahms doll and I was so, so excited for the second movie, more so when I found out it was in the cinema. But this movie was bad and bland. It relied too heavily on jump scares which is incredibly boring. 

So, let’s talk about the movie and go through the plot.

It started off with a theme that I believe wasn’t featured in the first movie. It reminded me a lot of the music in Tim Burton’s Sweeney Todd. Yeah. I just sighed to myself at that part, not off to a great start already - as much as I love his version of Sweeney Todd, it’s great but awful. The movie is based around a family of three - two parents and their son who is about eleven I’d say. Dad was British and quite attractive. Mum and son were american. One of the first things one of the parents said, I believe it was the dad, was ‘you’re too old to sleep with a teddy.’ Excuse me?! I am OFFENDED. I am 22 and I sleep with MANY teddies - with PRIDE. Hehe. 

It starts off with the dad being away for work, so mum Liza and her son Jude are home alone. She wakes in the night to sounds so goes to investigate - but not once turns a light or torch on - then son investigates, to be attacked by people who broke into the house. Both are traumatised, kid goes mute and mum is angry a lot and has vicious nightmares. They decide to take a break, spending some time away at a house a while away. Shockingly, it’s a house neighbouring the one Brahms grew up in. Within minutes of arriving at the house, Jude gets hold of Brahms. Didn’t take long at all. Most boys his age wouldn’t really want a doll as that’s ‘girly’, but Jude dug Brahms up out of the dirt. His mum cleans Brahms up and Jude is very quickly attached to him. Then things start to get weird. Jude communicates through a notebook - which Brahms also writes in. But what I don’t get is... No one sees Brahms moving, they only see him after he moved. Does Jude see Brahms write in the book? They are together 24/7. Brahms writes a note that says ‘take me to where you found me’, where Jude discovers Brahms’ belongings and the rules from the first movie. 

There is a caretaker character that I don’t like in the movie. He knows about the doll and Brahms from the start, yet when he sees Jude has the doll, he doesn’t tell Jude’s parents anything. Why? Surely knowing the truth about the doll he’d try and help them. The caretaker’s dog really doesn’t like Brahms, infact he barks at it whenever he sees him and he sits outside the family’s house. 

It takes a while for the parents to realise there’s something creepy about the doll. Only when the doll locks itself in a bedroom does the mum’s cogs start turning. Of course when she researches the house, learns the history and confronts the caretaker, she’s horrified yet STILL doesn’t do anything about the doll. So frustrating. Not even when Jude starts dressing like Brahms, when his cousin nearly dies, when the dog is murdered or when Jude draws himself killing his own parents, not even then does the mum properly take action.

There is a scene where Jude and Brahms Doll are back at Brahms’ home and the mum follows where they go inside the walls where human Brahms used to live, here I was hopeful that human Brahms would make an appearance, but he doesn’t. 

Two things I did like about this movie - the movement from the doll was minimal. Eyes shifting, head turning, every movement was slight. I also liked both scenes of Jude wearing the Brahms mask that human Brahms wore - once in his mum’s nightmare and once in the big house. 

It’s quite chilling how Jude was becoming Brahms, not quite a demonic possession but Brahms’ spirit was slowly becoming inside of Jude. It was creepy and the child playing Jude performed it incredibly well. It wasn’t at all over the top or underdone, he did it perfectly and this child was the best part of the whole movie. 

The part where Brahms was left outside and Jude told his mum everything made me sad. This poor child feared the doll, yet it seemed like he also loved him. 

Towards the end of the movie, the dad smashes Brahms’ head I think with a baseball bat. Inside he was a disgsuting, black, rotten fleshy... thing. Why? What was the point in that? It was creepy but didn’t really make sense. The doll had been smashed before and he didn’t look like that. After the doll was smashed, Jude returned and was no longer becoming Brahms. It was very quick and sudden. 

I didn’t like the ending, it was too predicatable. The doll being disposed of and Jude still being disturbed and keeping the Brahms mask was what I expected and sure enough that’s what happened. I wish something more exciting happened at the end, but with the final scene with the doll I suppose not much could have been done anyway. 

The spirit was in the mask that Jude kept. Will there be a third movie? I hope not, not if the second was anything to go by.

I wasn’t satisfied with this movie. The first movie was excellent. A gripping plot, lots of twists, an unexpected ending, spooky and didn’t rely on jump scares. They really milked the fanbase for the second movie and I feel it was too rushed and cheaped out on. I wouldn’t recommend this movie, especially if you haven’t seen the first installment, and I definitely won’t be watching it a second time. 

Was it really necessary to make Brahms doll a haunted doll, when the end of the first film really emphasised on the fact he wasn’t haunted? This second movie was deifnitley nothing but a rushed money maker, not contributing anything of value to the fanbase or first movie.

What a disappointment.

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 55

Chapter Summary - With Christmas comes dilemmas, such as where to cook all the food. While doing a job for Diana, Danielle and Emma finally talk again. And Tom gives Danielle her gifts, hoping he chose well.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously

The book is that of a violinist named Lindsey Stirling. I saw a video of hers on Youtube a couple years ago and adored it, hoping to see more, now she tours and is even more brilliant :) I love her!

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​ @jessibelle-nerdy-mum​ @nonsensicalobsessions​ @damalseer​ @hiddlesbitch1​ @winterisakiller​ @fairlightswiftly​ @salempoe​ @lys-syl @youcantcatchafallingstar

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

"What are we going to do?" Sarah and Diana stood staring at the food that needed to be cooked. "I should not have changed the cooker." Diana rubbed her hands over her face.

"We'll throw as much as we can on and just wait for that to cook and throw on the easier to cook food later," Sarah suggested.

"I just ruined Christmas dinner." Diana declared slapping her hands over her legs.

"What's going on?" Tom came into the kitchen to return his and Danielle's plates.

"Mum got a new cooker."

"Riiiight?" Tom failed to see the reason why that would cause such stresses.

"It's a lot smaller than the last one, it can't cook everything at once."

"Does it need to?"

Sarah shook her head in disbelief at her brother. "No, we'll have the dinner in drips and drabs, of course, we need to Tom," the second half of the sentence was snapped out at him.

"Yeah, the food usually needs to be done around the same time for one meal." Danielle gently touched Tom's arm as she joined the frustrated group. "Now, if only we had another cooker."

"Not helping," Tom whispered to her.

Danielle smiled fondly at him. "Actually, we have a second one." Tom looked around as though expecting it to suddenly appear in front of them. "If only we had a house, right next door, with full cooking capacities and the key to it, and oh, I don't know, the owner." she grinned.

Diana and Sarah looked at one another for a moment before the pair began laughing, Diana hiding her face in her hands. "Well now, I feel foolish."

"How did we not think of that?" Sarah laughed next to her.

"I was going to go get Mac anyway, let's get everything sorted." Danielle smiled, walking over the table to get a few things.

"Your hand." Tom chastised, grabbing the bowl of potato and sausage stuffing she was about to take hold of.

"It is a fracture, I can still move it, see." She wriggled her fingers.

"Don't, you were told to rest, so all you're allowed do is come over and sort the different knobs."He declared, Danielle mumbled to herself, Tom picked up the words, complaining and earlier in the morning. "Elle!" She looked at him innocently, his eyes flicking to his mother and sister, who, to his relief, were not paying attention to them but to the different foods that would be needed to be cooked, dividing them up between the two cookers. Danielle just winked cheekily back at him.

"Elle, sweetheart, could you get Emma to come in here, we need to bring over the last of it?" Diana asked.

Danielle paused for a moment before nodding, "Sure, one sec." she walked into the hall and listened to see if she could hear Emma anywhere, but all she heard were the two brother-in-laws talking in the living room. Knocking gently, she looked around the door. "Where's Emma, Diana wants her help?"

"She's upstairs, I'll get her." Jack went to get off the seat.

"Don't worry yourself, I'll go." She smiled. "You two stay here and talk about your fabulous women." she joked.

"You laugh, but wait and see, if Diana, and indeed Tom have their way, you will be in this position soon," Yakov commented.

"And what position is that?" Danielle asked fearfully.

"In-laws."

"Jesus, you're all at it today." Danielle dismissed.

"She started already?" Jack laughed, looking at his watch, "You're not even here an hour."

"I am half expecting her to say she booked a place for a reception later if she keeps going like this." She laughed before heading out the door again and to the stairs. She never was uncomfortable in Diana's home, her closeness to the family never made her feel as though she was not welcome there, but as she walked along the upstairs hallway to Emma's room, a place she had been more times than she could give an approximate figure to, she felt nervous. Inhaling deeply she held her breath and knocked on the door.

"Come in." Emma turned, her eyes widening slightly when she realised who it was.

"Diana and Sarah need help bringing food over to mine, the oven your mum got is too small so we have to divide the food, so they asked for you to give us a hand," she explained plainly. "It looks really good on you, by the way," she stated, referring to the jacket she had gotten Emma. "Fits well?"

"Perfectly." Emma's voice was small in return.

Nodding slightly, Danielle gave a small smile. "Good. Well, whenever you're ready." she went to walk out.

"Elle?" Danielle stopped and looked around. "Thank you, for the jacket." again, Danielle nodded but said nothing else. "I'm sorry I was a bitch."

"I'm sorry we didn't get to tell you properly." Danielle returned, only looking at Emma for a moment.

"I wish we could go back, and I didn't say those things."

"I get it, I do. I became worse than any of the users."

"No Elle, you didn't, you liked me for me, you just so happened to like Tom too. You never planned to try and get to him through me, I knew that; I just...I didn't want to share him, or you, you were my friend, you know, we were the two that stood back and laughed at the girls that fawned over him, but then...the things we said...."

"I became the fame-hungry sad act we laughed at."

"But you're not fame-hungry..."

"Fuck no, but let's face it, to the world, when they find out, I will be. The truth doesn't matter to some of those people."

"It matters to Tom and us, though, I mean, I know I didn't act like it, and I know that I am the reason you backed away and got hurt," Emma began to cry, "And I am really sorry Elle, I just got angry and jealous and I wanted to show you how I felt like I had been hurt, but I wasn't really, not when Paul told us you were in hospital, and you wouldn't say Tom was waiting for you, and I know that is because I used your value of our friendship to force you away and when I saw Tom crying and distraught because we didn't know where you were, and I was so worried and I thought you were really hurt and I knew then I wasn't angry, I just was scared that things would go wrong and I would lose my best friend if you guys broke up and I know I was selfish and I should never have said those things to you."

Danielle just looked at the youngest Hiddleston for a few moments, considering her words. "Being away from Tom, forcing myself to stay away from him for no good reason really hurt Emma, and you just said that he was crying and frantic when I could not be found, remember that; that is how much we care for one another; but being away from you, being pushed away by the only real friend I thought I had, that really hurt me, I know you felt betrayed, and I totally respect that, but I love you, you are the sister I always wanted, you actually understand that though I act like I have my shit together, I really haven't a fucking clue what I am doing most of the time," Emma laughed as she wiped away her tears. "That's our thing, trying to wing it through shit-storms and then bitching our heart out at the moaners and begrudgers, by moaning and begrudging." Emma smiled widely again. "It really hurt Em, I felt like I got punched right in the gut. I hope you can forgive me for making you feel like I betrayed you, I never meant for any of this to happen. I know you cannot understand it, since he is just a dorky brother to you, but I love Tom, I love how behind the TV persona, behind all the silly fangirls, he is still the guy I met here five years ago, a little bit more mature, and in some ways, publically colder, but he is still Tom."

"Yeah, I know, he's still an idiot." she begrudgingly stated. "I just didn't want to lose you."

"So you pushed me away? How does that work exactly?"

Emma shrugged. "I have no idea, I'll let you know if I figure it out."

"Do." Danielle nodded. "Until then, help with the food." she indicated for the door.

"Do I look like crap?" Emma asked, checking her eyes in a mirror.

"Fuck no, you're wearing that jacket, you look awesome." Danielle retorted sassily.

"Bitch." Emma laughed, walking to the door. "I can't believe you broke your arm."

"I can't believe Paul turned up here to tattle on me."

"He's a nice guy."

"Well, Mr Nice guy is off to Surrey."

"That's nice, a promotion?"

"Yep, he went from dumped boyfriend to soon to be husband and dad."

Emma paused on the stairs. "Wait, what?"

"Paul is getting married to this girl Lucia, who is really nice actually, and they are having a baby."

"Wait, you met his future wife?"

"Yeah."

"That is crazy." Emma shook her head.

"Not really, he was my doctor, she came in to see him, introductions and explanations and goodbyes and good lucks, simples really."

They made their way to the kitchen to assist with the food but realised that everything had been brought to Elle's. They went through the gate and into her house, where sure enough, Tom and the others had started putting everything where needed. "Frying pan?" Sarah asked, looking around confused.

"The press over the oven." Tom instructed, "And the lids are in the one under. When he spotted the two women standing in the doorway, he looked warily between them.

"The oven is always about ten degrees off, so be careful," Elle warned walking over into the madness. "And don't forget that the front left hob does not work at all."

"You need to get a new cooker," Sarah commented.

"No point really, not often I need four hobs going with only one person here," Danielle replied. "And nowadays I am never really here. Although..." Her nose scrunched up as she thought to herself. "I guess I am here for a few weeks now."

"What? Why?" Tom half demanded, "I thought you said you were to start on that set after Christmas."

"I was, but," She held up her arm. "This is not allowed. A safety officer has to not have any physical injuries on set, it is too dangerous since they are not able to check everything. I better get the hospital to send my the details for the insurance and send on the documentation to the studio." she sighed.

"So wait, now you are without work?" Sarah asked.

"Yeah, until it heals, it's a fracture, so should be only six to eight weeks, Nothing major." she dismissed. "I guess I can start working on a new project I was planning."

"What about money, though?" Tom asked in concerned.

"That's the thing, thank you, Taylor Swift." Everyone just stared at her. "You didn't tell them?"

Tom shook his head. "Tell us what?" Diana asked worriedly.

"Taylor came to London a few weeks ago, remember?" Diana nodded. "She came to London to shoot a video and made sure Danielle was forced to work on said music video."

The Hiddleston women all looked over to Danielle. "Well, long story short, I got in a few insults and got paid pretty well for my work, actually, that afternoon was worth over ten grand after-tax, so I am okay to take a few weeks to let myself recover. I wanted to start something new, further my CV so this will mean I can condense it all into a few weeks and get it all done." she smiled. "Winning."

*

"Hey, Darling?" Tom came into Danielle's kitchen, having sent his sisters and mother away because he wanted some time alone with Danielle.

"Just making sure the pudding has enough water around it," she answered, as soon as she was satisfied, she turned to face him. "Yes?"

"I have a present for you." He smiled. "Actually a few."

"A few?" she asked with a raised brow.

"Yes, little things I noticed you liked or I thought you would like since I saw them and thought of you," he explained. "Here." He held out a bag, which much to the relief of Danielle, as not altogether too big.

"Thank you, but promise me you didn't go too mad."

"I promise, nothing there came to over a hundred pounds." she smiled. "By itself."

"Tom!"

"Your spa weekend cost a few hundred, don't even try to argue."

"Yes, but as I am apparently going with you, that is not exactly too mad."

"Well, I thought of you when I looked at these, so I am not going to apologise for spoiling you," he stated as he gave her a kiss.

"Fine, I will reserve anger until I see what I am dealing with." she grinned, placing the bag on the table. Reaching in, she recognised the first thing she touched as a book. Pulling it out she smiled as she read the cover. "I love it, I have been trying to get this, but it is only available online." She placed the autobiography on the table and reached into the bag again.

"I found it in the States, I remember you playing her songs on youtube since the beginning." Tom smiled.

"Yes." She beamed, realising he had bothered to pay attention to her when she rambled about the American dancing violinist.

"See what else is there." He smiled excitedly, hoping she would react as well to her other presents. Happily, Danielle reached into the bag and removed the next gift. "Did you walk in and buy these?" She smiled looking at the product in her hands.

"I did."

"Glitter bath bombs, Tom Hiddleston walked into Lush and bought Glitter bath bombs" she giggled. "How is this not all over social media?"

"I am not sure, but I know you like them, so I got you a few, perhaps you should have a bath with one later."

"I would, but I am hoping to snuggle up with my sexy boyfriend and watch a film."

"Hmm, sound cosy, I think he might just be interested," Tom grinned, wrapping his arms around her. "Next present."

"How many more are there?" She asked worriedly.

"Three," he bit his lower lip as he smiled.

Rolling her eyes and shaking her head, she reached into the bag and began to pull out something warm and soft. "Oh my God, I love it."

Tom chuckled. "You don't even know what it is."

"A scarf; and I am putting it on now."

"We're inside and your heating is on."

"Don't care, still wearing it, I...is that an Eevee?"

"I have no idea what it is, but I saw a stuffed toy like it on your shelf and you said to Emma before it was your good luck charm since you were a teen so..."

"Eevee is a Pokémon, you bought me a Pokémon scarf." she smiled, kissing his affectionately on the lips. "I love you so much."

"Because of a scarf?"

"Because everything here proves you actually pay attention to little details, little things I make comment about in passing," she explained, kissing him again. He gave her an expectant look. "What has you so awkward? You seem half scared."

"I put something in there, and I am hoping you will react well to it, but I am nervous you won't." He admitted.

The smile on Danielle's face fell and she looked back at the bag. "Tom..."

"Just keep going." He encouraged. "Please."

Worriedly, Danielle reached into the bag and took out a small box, she frowned as she looked at it, realising immediately that it was from a jeweller. "Tom..."

"I said I did not spend too much and I mean it." He stated.

Nervously, she unwrapped it, taking into consideration its size, she knew what she could be dealing with. Glancing at him for a moment, she noticed an excited twinkle in Tom's eye, so she knew that it would not be something that would cause an argument, with that in mind, she held her breath and opened it. When she saw the necklace inside, she gasped out the breath, her eyes filled with tears and her injured hand went over her mouth. "how...?"

"The photo you have of your mum, she has this, doesn't she?" Danielle nodded silently. "You said once to my mum, that you loved it, but it was her favourite, and you and your dad thought it best to make sure she was wearing it when she was laid to rest."

"Dad wanted me to take it. He knew I always loved it, I wanted it, I used to steal it and wear it to school some days, but I always put it back before she came home from the practice. But he told me after that she knew, she realised I would take it, and never said anything, because she knew I loved it." she choked out between tears. "I wanted to take it, but it felt wrong, it just...I couldn't let her go without it. She..." Tom hugged her into him. "Thank you, Tom."

"It's only a silver necklace."

"It may only be a silver necklace to you, cheap and unimportant, but not to me." she held it to her chest. "Never."

Tom tucked some hair behind her ear. "It is not unimportant to me, I know what it means to you. It is not her one, it probably isn't even exactly the same, but I saw it, and I knew, I knew it was close, I just hoped it was close enough."

"It is, It really is so perfect, it's exactly like it, I thought it was it for a moment." she kissed him again. "I'm sorry I'm crying."

"I'm not, I am happy I can make you smile." Tom kissed her back. "Do you want me to put it on you?" She nodded as Tom took the trinket from its box and gently opened the clasp, before putting it around her neck and tying it once more. He said nothing as Danielle looked down at the necklace, the intricate knotting of the metal on the piece. "Did your father give it to her?"

"The day she told him she was pregnant with me apparently," She smiled. "She told him, and he went away, and mam thought it was because he wasn't interested in having a baby, you know, country Irish men were a tad emotionally constipated then, still probably are, and babies were seen as a nuisance, but an hour later, he came back, and he had a box in his hand, probably a lot like the one you had and gave it to her. Why do you ask?"

"It's a Celtic love knot, I was informed, so I had to guess."

"It can only be given between lovers and symbolises eternity because it has no distinguishable beginning or end. That's why I couldn't take mam's, it belonged between her and dad."

"They were married what?"

"Thirty-seven years, I was an absolute surprise, they'd been married over a decade before I was born, no miscarriages or anything, just nothing, then boom, me. Dad said the day she found out she was pregnant, they had no idea what to do, I was something they had given up all hope of every having."

"Thirty-seven years, that is incredible." Tom smiled fondly.

"You know what the worst thing I ever remember them arguing about was?" Tom looked at her expectantly. "The kitchen," He frowned. "They got a fitted kitchen put in, but dad was at work when the guys came to fit it, and mam was busy sorting paperwork for the bookkeeper and she wasn't paying proper attention and they fitted a blue kitchen and not the green my father had paid for. And they argued not that it was wrong but that it was the better colour to begin with and why hadn't they seen it before and who as to blame for that." she laughed. "I mean they had a stinking row over it, and it was just so weird." shaking her head, she laughed more.

Tom chuckled. "Did they argue much?"

"Not in front of me anyway, the usual, but that's why dad didn't last long after mum, they were soulmates, they belonged together, dad's death didn't hurt as much, not because I didn't love him, Jesus I was always terrified no man would ever match up to him, but because he and mam would be together again. They wouldn't want to be without each other."

"I wish my parents had been like that." He stated solemnly.

"But then you wouldn't be you, would you? Their divorce moulded you, you used acting as your escape, and it gave you a depth others don't reach. That scene in War Horse, Loki's anguish, even Adam's melancholy, all born of your experiences." She pointed out. "I wish you knew the feeling of a happy two parent home environment, but I think it moulded you into the man you are."

"Do you think we could last thirty-seven years?" He asked curiously.

"Why, you planning on bowing out at seventy-two?"

"Longer then?"

"Yeah, I think we could." she smiled fondly. "We try, that's the part that matters, the day we aren't bothered to try is the day we'll fail."

"One last present." Tom reached into the bag, taking out a gift that was similar in size to the necklace box. He looked at it for a moment and thought to himself. "I am so scared to give you this, but I feel that after everything, your time in my place, your admission to wanting to be around me more, I feel like this is a step forward for us, though I know I said I need to talk more on this tomorrow with you, but with the way you're talking to me here, saying you can see us making it, I have to give this to you. I won't take offence if you say it's too soon."

Terrified, Danielle took the box and eyed Tom carefully, his anxiety radiating off him. Before she opened it, she shook it slightly, suspecting that it was not another necklace inside. it was hard and banged against the sides. Still unsure, she opened it, as soon as she saw the metal object, she looked up at Tom. "Are you...?"

"I know it is quite early on, I mean, I get that, but work is in London for you now, you said that already, and your projects are all there for the next few months, so it makes sense. I will be going to promote Kong and Ragnarok but in general, I hope to spend time at home more, I want to, with you. You will have your own space, you can even do something with one of the spare rooms to make it a sanctuary if you want, I will respect that, I don't want to overcrowd you. I am not saying get this place on the market, but since you need to be in London for work at the moment as it is..."

"And Mac?"

"Mac is part of the package Elle, there is no you without Mac, I know that."

Danielle looked at the object for another moment. "Yes."

"Yes?" Tom repeated in disbelief.

"Yes, I will move in with you." She confirmed, smiling as she did so.

Tom crashed his lips to hers. "Down the line, we'll look into the leafy suburb house." He promised. "So, did I do well?"

Danielle laughed. "I suppose." She jested.

[emmaskipp-blog]

Mom -Blog 3

Mom

From ‘ Mother’

 ·     Note  - Not Mum or Mummy, this is a dead ancient Egyptian.

 (I already know this statement will rile some of you, if that’s the case I’ll point out now that this blog has nothing to do with linguistics , it is in fact a rather honest account of some of the things leading up to my Mom’s death. Please read on with an open heart and mind)

 You died on 5th June 2015, you were just 60 years old, and one of the most “alive “ interesting, insightful and thoroughly complicated people one could ever hope to meet.

 We were robbed and so were you, you have never met your grandson and neither will you meet your grand daughter due in 10 weeks time. Even as I write this now, these words that have been restless inside my head for some 790 days now.

 I knew putting pen to paper would be both one of the hardest and most cathartic exercises; indeed it has been just that.

 You left us too early; we are still not ready to be without you. Images of your rude and rapid demise haunt us all, lurking behind eyelids ready to appear the second they are closed. They are horrifying; nothing could prepare us for that.

 They gave you five years then they said they had got that wrong, it’s not something a doctor should get wrong really is it?

Then they gave you twelve months; you gave us eleven months and 30 days. I guess to a lesser extent you still had the final say.

 Ill always remember the day the doctor assembled us in the room of the hospice on the day you were transferred from hospital to the hospice, that poor bastard didn’t know you did he mom? Well you were nothing but authentic to the very end, you let him have it didn’t you?

With the little strength you had left you sat up and in a totally unique way simply and abruptly stated

         “ Is this the part where you tell me I’m going             to die?”

 PAUSE – Something just happened whilst I was sat writing this that I felt was noteworthy enough to include, this is not even a joke.

I’ve just been interrupted by the door bell, stood before me is a man wearing a bullet proof vest with a camera attached to it who boldly said to me “ I have a warrant for this address to search and remove goods, I am looking for  ***** ******” the man who he is looking for no longer lives at the property but we are aware that he is in some trouble due to the nature of the letters that arrive for him, that and the man who turned up at the door one night wanting his money back.

 After my heart stopped pounding and I was sure my waters hadn’t broken I invited him in to take a seat.

An hour later I am somewhat rather enlightened by what a “ law enforcement officer” actually does (sent directly by the court) he also regaled me with many interesting stories about his job.

A very nice gentleman by all accounts.

Anyway we managed to locate the said individual he was after (useless human being) which really helped our situation. Turns out it’s the only address anyone has for him and if he continues to ignore demands a warrant for his arrest will also be issued to this address where they will come in (using force or door removal if necessary) and physically look for him thought out the property.

Fantastic.

 PLAY

 “ Is this the part where you tell me I’m going to die?” - Your withered and emaciated frame still telling it exactly how it is.

 I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry, I did both in the end.

The doctor remained professional (serious) throughout as we sat there, in disbelief, as we still are today.

 You always complained about being slightly overweight, I’m just like you in that respect weight always fluctuating, hard to stay on top of but the alternative, being drastically underweight is like looking at someone from a concentration camp. That my friends is the reality.

Dramatic, unhealthy, drug induced weight loss is neither glamorous nor easy on the eye. Seeing your mothers once beautiful flesh on the face turn into paper-thin skin stretched uncomfortably over her cranium greying by the hour is pretty fucking horrifying.

 In my experience Death does not, and did not, go peaceful into that good night. In my mothers case it went frightened, unwilling and in pain.

It is not like the films, there was no graceful acceptance there was just fear and whiskey.

 Ironically I remember Mom telling me about something she had witnessed during a brief stint she did nurse training, the “ Brompton cocktail”, or something with a similar name, essentially at the end of your life nurses administer more and more pain relief (I believe in times gone by this included cocaine and morphine amongst others given as a drink, hence “ cocktail”) well thank God for that at least.

I saw what they were doing and when I realised it I’m not ashamed to say I was the first in line at the nurses station to say I felt you were in more pain, sure enough in they came and pumped something else into your bruised and battered veins.

 I found myself in a very plain a clinical looking chapel with my dad, praying to a God I don’t believe in to put you out of your misery, and us too for that matter. I still don’t believe a benevolent god would do this kind of thing to “his children”.

 It’s hard to write this in any kind of linier form as that week lost all sense of time, we stayed over, we laughed, we cried, and when we were running out of ideas we stood beside your bed singing ‘ Something inside so strong”, none of us believing the lyrics.

 We hung beautiful coloured scarves from the window as you always enjoyed “colour therapy” we put a CD on playing sounds of the sea. When you could no longer speak we kept on speaking.

 We bit the bullet and told your somewhat estranged brothers where you were, one who lives in Canada, one in Spain. They turned up at exactly the same time the following day and they didn’t leave.

I know your childhood made you sad at times but you smiled when you knew your brothers had come.

We drank more whiskey the, which is what I want to do now.

We wanted to roll your bed outside, as one of the last things you wanted was an apple and to be outside.

I chose the apple really carefully like my life depended on it. Turned out you didn’t have the strength to bite it. It sat there with a tiny pathetic bite out of it going brown and decaying in front of us.

 They wouldn’t let us take you outside, I wish now we had insisted or tried harder, you may well have died out there but that might have brought you some happiness. Fact is they told us you couldn’t be moved, as the pain would have been too great.

 So if my last thing I did for you was run past the nurses station with you in your bed you may not of thanked me for it after all.

 My husband rubbed a wet sponge around your dried out mouth and lips during the last two days. Strangely I’ll treasure that memory as you always valued kindness over any other quality and in those moments I knew the man I had married was so kind in his soul I felt blessed.

  Dad pointed out that the two bins in the room were marked ‘ general bin’ and ‘ offensive bin’ he then opened and shut the offensive bin’s ‘mouth’ with a torrent of swear words, that made us all laugh.

 I remember two days before you were moved from the hospital to the hospice arriving on my own and seeing you lolling in a chair, slumped up against it like you would expect from and old person in a nursing home. Mouth open, no dignity, no one coming to look after you while you slept fitfully and looked uncomfortable. Lots of people in hospitals look like that.

 It was that moment, seeing you like that it really sunk in, I knew your heart was physically breaking and you really were dying.

I went straight back down the 7 floors into a crowd of smoking strangers with tears dripping off my chin, snot choking my throat and asking someone for a cigarette. I got one, no one comforted me, they just starred at me as people in hospitals often do, probably going through their own version of hell.

 I rang my husband between ugly sobs and told him you looked dead. He did everything you can at the end of a phone line.

 It really was quick, the end of your living. You were a wild woman, eccentric, a language teacher, complicated, hilarious, so unforgiving, so so much of everything.

 Life feels diluted without you in it, that’s the truth.

 So although I could go on and on about your demise, and maybe I will come back to it at some point, I’m cautious that I don’t want to increase suicide rates or at least contribute to the country’s ever expanding number of depressed people. As I’ve said it is my intention to write about everything, the good, the bad and the sad, or at least all of my life’s experiences so far which may or may not be be of some interest, to some of you ?! Anyone ?!!

 Audio Link – “Thais” Meditation by Massenet.

 In memory of my mother Julie Pamela Skipp  (Sykes) 6/10/54 – 5/6/15

 This was her favourite piece of classical music, it’s beautiful, enjoy.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6QjZfV-2A4

  On her 60th birthday, 8 months before she died I arranged for a pianist and violin player to perform this piece on a narrow boat we hired for the day.

I’m really glad I did that.

[chiefpaperdonut-blog]

day 1 journal

so

here i am

after all this time

make the changes you need

and stop being a broken record

it feels good being able to type on a keyboard again. strange that i haven't been able to for months.

i like not being a computer slave though.

also, this computers HDD may die soon

it's probably worth getting some sort of HDD that you can collect all your various datas and throw them together

it'd be nice to have the photos. even if photos make me sad.

i think what's sad is just what you've given up

and for nothing of lasting value

nor people who valued you for you

well maybe that last point is a bit dramatic

maybe just write out your emotions and let yourself cry and be a human again

====

you got to love/shake your head at the excuses used for the various drug addictions i ended up stacking on top of one another

the reality is that you are intelligent, but you've not lived intelligently

stop handicapping yourself. it's illusionary pleasure, distraction

it could be a videogame addiction. but it wasn't. it was drugs.

the cheapest shortcut

and of course, there's a lot of price to pay eventually

it doesn't seem like it at the time but that's how it transpires.

i'm sick of being a drug addict and not reaching my true potential. not facing the reality of life. of course it's hard. but you've made it harder, through short term thinking.

you're midway through your 20s. this is in someways the most productive period of your life.

it hasn't all been a waste. you've been relatively functional. but you don't see things through enough. you could have done far more. also, you need to get out of this environment.

this house has been fun. it's also been illuminating. the place has been mostly a total fucking sty. indulgent nothingness. you had some fun times with friends, who you thought would always be there for you. the reality is that some of those friendships are not like that, and are built on very shaky foundations.

i want to hold myself to a higher standard. i want to do more good in this world. i want to be able to properly look after myself.

it's ok for it to be hard. it's ok for this to be a struggle. believe believe believe

i've had enough signs from god to know it'll all be fine.

don't forget the signs. they are telling you to change path. this is a time of change.

even if it's hard. not fun. even if sobriety fucking freaks you out, or stresses you out

eventually that'll fade. and you'll be free. and infinitely better off.

the whole living with high people sitting on a couch playing games or watching tele, doing fuck all, messy place, no money, it's too sad and empty. it's not what i want for myself or for anyone else, there's a lot more to life. you used to know this. you still know this, but you've made the decisions.

time to make another decision. the decision to not use today.

just a day at a time. you don't need to quit forever. plenty of people have slip ups anyway.

just one day. one day is more than none.

===

i just saw someone walk by my window. and middle aged but poorly aged woman smoking a cigarette, wearing baggy, cheap, scrappy looking active wear / salvos stock. you see a lot of the older, poor people in the kilburn area. even the people your aguish at savers (sam commenting what was she doing with her life). that is a result of decisions by and large. it begins with the decision to smoke a cigarette. then drugs, alcohol, whatever - it ends up coming before alll else. even appearance. showering.

their lives aren't necessarily bad. it's not my place to make a value judgement about the content of their character. because that so easily could be you. it's a result of decisions, one after the other.

these people may be carrying burdens that you have no idea of

at the end of the day though, i don't want that

i don't want to be poor as shit on a pension, scraping by

getting the bus because there's no other options

picking cigarette butts off the ground

prioritising alcohol or whatever substance above all else

it's the relationship with it, and the decision one makes around them

is it a healthy relationship?

for me, obviously not. it's not the path i wish to walk down.

drug addiction very rarely ends in a positive manner, excluding stories of going straight. even the famous people for example who made it work would have likely been more effective / lived longer if they'd nipped it in the bud.

it's a crutch but you already knew how to walk

but you used it so much that you ended up forgetting how to walk

and was then afraid without it you'd fall flat on your face

----

(−)-trans-Δ⁹   --  -tetrahydrocannabinol

anhedonia

----

you already quit your opiate addiction earlier this year.

don't replace drug addiction with laptop addiction

you already know the sort of stuff you are good at and the work you can do

the goals you can and do hold

time to stop wasting

---

i want to quit

that's why i'm on /r/leaves

that's why i'm going to make an account to keep accountable.

---

other thing about living situation - no matter how many problems you think you have and that you've neglected through drug use, it's not like that applies just to you. ky is the same, hence that list i wrote earlier talking about his actions. how they reveal a lot of flaws in the way he interacts with others / honesty. that's the other thing about weed. oh, it's so chill. people who smoke like ky are so chill. well, not really. it's artificial and fake. you've seen him lose his shit. act in a pretty crappy way. he's human like the rest of us, but he is still stuck in using weed and as soon as he gets back, he likely will again. it makes more sense then him going sober, paying his bills, changing the way he interacts to be more honest instead of trying to remove any amount of difficulty / disturbance from his life.

---

think of all the times you scraped for res

searched the ground for bud

smoked weed covered in cat  hair

checking stash spots that you know you don't have any weed in

but MAYBE

maybe there'll be something

opening baggies and collecting particles

filtered bong water to collect plant matter that had fallen through

didn't it make you feel rather grubby? to take a drug to such an extent, to never not try maximise etc.

instead of just waiting until the next time, it had to be MAXIMUM

no waste

but that sounds too positive, no waste

considering every second spent on that behaviour was a total waste.

don't ever go back to that.

----

a random catholic covered a church being robbed for 1000 dollars. that's a spirit of awesome generosity. you could be that type of person if you make the necessary decisions.

---

by the time you are sober , by your next bday, you'll have three years essentially

three years to work it out, get your shit together and make something of yourself

not that 30 is a deadline for life. but for me, i'd like to be well on the way then.

the sooner the better

----

you're reading weed defenders defend their drug on redid and it's hilarious in a sense, sad in another. it really drives home the bad stereotypes about the drug and the obvious delusion most daily stoners labour under. 'i'm still productive, i've still achieved things' - like what? - not much -

think of people like mark carey . supposedly smart, knows a lot about science blah blah blah. yet he's mid 30s , achieved fuck all and that doesn't appear to be changing anytime soon.

maybe the debauched lifestyle is romanticised to help those who live with it. shame that it convinces others, such as myself, to jump deep into that pool. especially with it's connections to art and music. the reality though - you and everyone else for that matter would be better off (bar those with seizures / genuine medical use eg. NOT ANXIETY OR DEPRESSION IT MAKES IT WORSE EVENTUALLY)

---

if you get through all this mess, it'll be something to be proud of and proof of the strength i have to draw on.

---

SOBER

Stop,  observe - with detachment - how do i feel?

Breathe - deep slow breaths

Examine - why do i feel like this?

respond - not react.

10 minutes meditation

---

remember zoe from work commenting about how i should just leave instead of wanting to get evicted. i was annoyed at the time because of course i was thinking it's not that simple.

there's ky, the band, cats, money owing , shared responsibilities yada yada yada

but the reality is it is that simple

you've accepted so much that is unacceptable through acquiescence through drug use.

kyrons constant fucking around with money.

it's been months and months of being fucked around.

so come on. time to wake up.

it is that simple. and necessary.

mum will help you. you can then rebuild, and change your life.

i could be in a position where i could move to japan if i hadn't smoked weed.  i probably would have finished university, if not prior to working at  child support, certainly the next year and a half of not really being that employed.

you still did a lot of things in a sense. they just weren't very productive. time spent at salvos. working writing jobs. won that writing competition. wrote an entire film script. made music, improved skills , and exposure.

you may be entering in some senses your golden period.

plenty of people make use of themselves later then 27

sure, we hear plenty about the young who are already running out the gate

you made decisions to build friends, have memories, different experiences and exposures to different lifestyles. that is valuable and this part of your life is not wasted. in fact, by recognising how much more i am capable of, and by beating numerous difficult drug addictions, i'm proving my ability as a human, growing. i don't think it's true that weed puts you in a COMPLETE stasis, but maybe i was lucky because i still liked doing things / reading / learning. plenty just sit about playing fortnite. the reality though is that i could have done A LOT more. and that makes a difference. you've gained an interesting perspective into different ways of living / people. even if you think about high school, nearly all your friends were kinda middle class and well off and not turning to drugs. now you're with the drudgers , it's all dysfunctional , single parent homes. maybe that's a bit harsh and inaccurate. at the end of the day though, hardcore drug use is dysfunctional and dysfunctional people will be drawn to this.

you have been dysfunctional. this is why you've alienated a lot of former friends, through treating them inappropriately. things won't get better unless you make a proper effort at becoming functional. and you can. a lot of the things that motivated you to take drugs initially - lack of being cool, having friends/fun, trying new , different things, and even though i probably didn't think of it, taking the easy way out to feeling good and ignoring the bad of life and my self-esteem issues from not fitting in as a younger person. i wasn't very assertive when i first came back over. i found it hard to talk to others blah blah blah. even though socially things were better in wales then melbourne/rose park, there was still plenty of mistakes and growing pains. these are not problems anymore. i'm a lot wiser. and there's still a lot of mountains to climb, but different ones. not just sitting at the top of the one i climbed years ago. in fact, i've been atrophying and going backwards in a lot of those areas - DUE to drugs. it has kept me static but also dysfunctional, and over time, i've had that manifest through bad behaviour that has alienated my friends. at a certain point they have to give up. it's for their own health as well.

day 1 for weed, day 7 for tobacco. keep it up.